


Once in twenty lifetimes

by malakian



Series: Folklore [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Album: folklore (Taylor Swift), Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Drinking, Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:00:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28644111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malakian/pseuds/malakian
Summary: To kiss in cars and downtown bars was all we needed; you drew stars around my scars but now I'm bleedin'.-Based on the song “cardigan” by Taylor Swift (from the album “folklore”).
Relationships: Albus Dumbledore & Severus Snape, Remus Lupin/Severus Snape
Series: Folklore [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2050995
Comments: 7
Kudos: 26





	Once in twenty lifetimes

Someone was dead. Someone from the Order. Severus’ heart was racing and he felt his head spinning lightly. Who was there at the Ministry? Surely the people he had contacted at Grimmauld Place — so yes, Lupin was certainly one of those who had rushed to save Potter in another of his stupid little quests. He leaned on the wall of the deserted corridor and tried to control his breath, sweat running down his face. This should not have happened — how could he have allowed things to get to this point? How could he have been so weak, so irrational? He inhaled and let the air leave his lungs slowly; his hands were trembling less after repeating the process a few times.

“Severus,” he heard Poppy's voice coming from the end of the corridor. “Are you quite alright?”

“Why, yes, Poppy,” he replied, steadying his body. “Where is the Headmaster?”

“He’s with Potter in his office.” She eyed him suspiciously. 

“So Potter is safe, after all?” he felt a small relief, as if the hand that was closed around his heart had untightened its clasp just a bit.

“Yes, thank Merlin”, she said, looking genuinely relieved. “Are you sure you —”

“I'll be gone for a while, Poppy, please let the Headmaster know if he asks for me.”

He left her in the corridor and controlled himself not to run to the school gates. Once there, he apparated to London and stood in front of the old house for a few seconds before climbing the steps and quietly opening the door. He waited in the hall in silence, trying to grasp the meaning of the loose words and hushed voices he was hearing. He had to move, walk toward the kitchen and find someone — he needed to _know_ — but his legs were stuck, his feet glued to the floor.

“Merlin's beard!” someone gasped, and he was taken off his state. “Good lords, Professor Snape, what are you doing there in the shadows?”

It was just Molly Weasley. He cleaned his throat and moved a few steps into the light.

“My apologies, I came to — to make sure things are well around here.”

“No one else is hurt, if that's your worry. Thank Merlin everyone who came back is in one piece.”

 _Everyone who came back?_ What a fucking damned thing to say. “But someone did not — I mean —”

She lowered her voice. “Yes — sad thing, really. Sirius. He’s gone, killed by his own cousin, can you imagine? I think Harry must be wrecked —”

“Black is dead?” he asked, feeling something close to relief. She nodded, hand on the chest. 

“And where is everyone — Tonks — Shacklebolt —” he paused almost imperceptibly and added, “Lupin?”

“They are all gone, the Ministry is chaos right now. Only Remus and I are here, he's in the kitchen. Poor Remus —”

He did not wait for her to finish and passed her swiftly, walking straight to the kitchen, his chest now definitely untightening but starting to ache in a different way he could still not recognise.

The room was dark, the only light coming from a few candles floating over the table — and there he was, head leaning on his arms, face hidden, a half empty bottle of firewhiskey in front of him.

“Lupin,” he said, softly, his voice almost a whisper. He meant for it to be a warning that he was there, but it came out as a lament, a recognition that he knew who the man sitting in front of him was, despite the covered face and the obvious atmosphere of self-destruction lingering over him.

The man lifted his head and Severus saw a ghost. His eyes were red and swollen and his hair messier than usual, sorrow leaking from every pore.

“What are you doing here?” Lupin croaked.

“I came to check on —” he stopped and walked towards the table, sitting on a chair and breathing deeply before looking into Lupin's eyes. “I’ve just heard about what happened.”

Lupin stared at him so intensely he looked away.

“You heard about Sirius?”

“I did.” He hesitated, then added, "I'm sorry.”

Lupin frowned and let out a small mocking snort. “Are you? But you never really liked him. You loathed him.”

It was not a question, neither was it up for debate. It was not an accusation, either; just a statement.

“You’re right, I did,” he replied, still looking at the floor.

“Then _why_ are you here?”

Severus knew the answer. He had to be careful, though. He took a deep breath in an attempt to hold his tongue but before he could manage a proper excuse he heard his own voice putting into actual words what he had avoided thinking about since December.

“Because I like _you_. I _care_ about you.”

He felt his face flushing and ventured looking up. Lupin's expression had softened a bit, but he didn't seem able to say anything. It took him a shot of firewhiskey to start again.

“You shut me out, Severus. You left me just a few months ago. You told me you couldn't care about anyone or else everybody would die. How did that change?”

“It didn't — nothing changed. But —” he paused and ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “I couldn't breath from the moment you went to the Ministry until I heard you were alive. I just wanted to see you. I needed to know your were okay.”

Lupin swallowed hard, looking on the verge of crying. “Aren't you risking everyone's lives by saying this?”

“I am,” he paused and looked inside Lupin’s eyes. “You could have died there, Lupin. I think — I will allow myself to be irrational just for tonight.”

Lupin gave him a weak smile and looked around, his expression saddening as he registered the details of his late friend’s kitchen.

“Do you want to get out of here?” Severus asked, and Lupin looked back at him, a glint of gratitude showing in the lines of his face. He nodded.

“Then let's go,” Severus said, raising from the chair and walking to the door, Lupin following him.

* * *

It was still dark when Lupin opened his eyes. He was wrapped in a soft bed sheet and felt the presence of another body by his side; he turned to see Severus's back, completely still and so obviously faking sleep. Remus reached to touch him and the other couldn't avoid a small shiver, as if Lupin's fingers were charged with electricity.

Lupin hugged him from behind and buried his face on his back, the familiar scent of the sandalwood invading his nostrils, his lips brushing Severus’ skin.

“Hi,” he said quietly. Severus adjusted his body to fit Lupin’s, but did not say anything for a while. He heard Lupin sniff and felt the skin where Lupin’s face was resting get wet with tears.

“How are you feeling?” Remus heard Severus’ sleepy voice asking. 

“Immensely sad,” he started, “but at the same time glad to be here with you. I missed you.”

Severus did not say anything, and Lupin rested his head on his back. He let his hands wander over that body he had, in just a few months, come to know and miss so much. He couldn't help but stop when he found scars that were not there the last time they had been together. There were so many of them — long, short, small, deep. He slid his fingers from one to another, drawing stars around them, and felt Severus shiver at each trace he made.

“Can I ask you something?” he ventured.

“If it's about the scars, then no.”

He smiled. “How did you get so many of them? There are new ones, too. They’re fresh. Was it _him_? Or was it — someone else?”

Severus just stayed in silence, but shifted in bed uncomfortably, and Lupin did not insist. He waited a few minutes before saying something else.

“Thank you for staying with me,” he whispered, tightening his embrace around the other man.

Severus slid his fingers along Lupin’s arm and let his hand rest there for a long time. Then he delicately freed himself of Lupin’s hug and sat on the edge of the bed, leaning forward and resting his head on his hands. 

Then he sighed, “I have to go now.”

“I know.”

But Severus didn’t move. He stayed there, and Lupin wondered if maybe he wanted to stay. Maybe he wasn’t going to run like water through his fingers, not this time. He felt his chest getting warm.

Severus let out his breath and said, his voice weirdly broken. “Please don't hate me for leaving.”

Lupin reached for him again, brushing his fingers on the side of Severus’s body. “I won’t. You know I won’t.”

Severus got up and put on his trousers. Lupin sat on the bed and watched as he walked around the room picking up clothes from the floor.

“You know, it is extremely sexy yet little rewarding fucking a spy in war times.”

Severus laughed bitterly. “Better luck on your next choice.”

He sat on the armchair, lighting a cigarette, letting out the smoke slowly. Lupin watched him intently, a weak smile on his lips. “Who do I think I’m kidding? I’m not going anywhere. I'll wait for you.”

“Shut up.”

“When the war is over—”

“Lupin, stop. Don't do this.”

“No, _listen_ to me. Just listen. When the war is over you'll be allowed a normal life. I respect your priorities; now you need to focus on whatever spy shit you're doing but _one day_ this will end, Severus. And I'll be standing here in the same place where you left me standing.”

Severus gave another puff on the cigarette, his eyes clouded. 

“Spies don't survive to lead a normal life after the war. It’s a short-term commitment that fucks you up for the long run. There’ll be no ‘after the war’ for me. This was my choice.”

Lupin frowned. “Can I ask you something?”

Severus snorted. “If it's about the scars, then no.”

“Why did you do it?” Lupin’s eyes went from Severus’ face to his left arm, where a dark skull was burned to his skin. “Why did you join them?”

Severus’ eyes darkened and he looked down at his own hands, where a new cigarette was already waiting to be lit. He didn't answer.

“I remember you well from school, Severus. And I remember not getting exactly why you hung out with people like, I don't know, Mulciber. You were a bit weird,” he laughed affectionately, “but you never seemed, you know, _evil._ I remember you were friends with Lily in our first years.” Severus’s eyes went back to his, his eyes frowned and Lupin saw pain cross his face. “We all make mistakes, but I can't really see her being _that wrong_ about someone.” Lupin stopped for a bit. Severus lit the cigarette. “Did they offer you anything?”

Severus took two long puffs before answering.

“I made a promise once, and when I realised I was nowhere near from keeping it, I — I grabbed the first helping hand that was offered to me.” He gave one last puff and put out the cigarette on the ashtray as he stood up. “I have to leave now.”

Lupin watched as he put on the rest of his clothes. He felt a bitter taste in his mouth.

“I won't hate you for leaving if you don't hate me for staying. You — we — _this_ will haunt all of my what-ifs forever if I don't. I'll be chasing shadows around for the rest of my life. Just tell me this one thing: when this is over, if we're both alive, can we try again?”

* * *

That single night with Lupin had cost him so much. He had now seven new scars in a matter of three weeks for being a lazy, uncommitted servant to the Dark Lord. He had allowed himself to falter, had hesitated when commanded to kill someone, and had been harshly punished for this. Still, all he could think about was Lupin's hands on his body. Every new scar he got made him long for Lupin’s fingers tracing stars around them. And every new bump on the road of Dumbledore's plans made him doublethink the “Yes” he had muttered that night before leaving Lupin in a Muggle hotel bed and returning to Hogwarts.

Now he was sitting on the Headmaster's office, Dumbledore talking once more about that damn plan to save Draco Malfoy’s soul and fuck his life instead, and he could only curse himself for — Merlin, he could curse himself for days on end, for so many fucking things but specially now for that bloody “Yes” he had said in a moment of weakness. He had been so reckless, inebriated by Lupin's touch and those eyes, those bloody eyes and the way they lingered on him as if Severus was a feast after months of hunger. 

“Severus,” he heard the Headmaster's voice from afar and managed to look back at him, pushing his memories of Lupin’s eyes to the back of his mind. “What were you thinking about?”

“The only thing I can think about these days is your goddamn plan, Headmaster.”

“I see,” he paused. “You were not thinking about a new way to dissuade me, I hope.”

“No, I think we’re past this point, unfortunately,” he looked down at his hands. “I was simply realising how it will ruin completely and absolutely any sort of relationship I've managed to build in the past 15 years — even though I have to admit there are not many, considering how mediocre I am at that.”

He looked up and met Dumbledoren eyes, now filled with what he thought was pity. “I am truly sorry, Severus. But this is the price we pay for —”

“Oh no, Headmaster, this is the price _I_ pay. You'll be dead and gone, but I'll be _here_ paying for it, all by myself.”

“If everything goes as planned, there will be no price for you to pay alone — not for too long, anyway.”

“But that's the thing, isn’t it? We can only plan so far, and if things do _not_ go as planned after that point, then I'll die as the villain in your history.”

Dumbledore watched him for a while, studying his face.

“How is your relationship with Remus?” Severus’ eyes narrowed at Dumbledore and his whole body tensed. The Headmaster completed, “I've watched you in many Order meetings and I pride myself to be a very observant person. I do not think anyone else noticed, however.”

Severus' shoulders loosened a bit.

“It's over,” he answered, looking away.

“I'm truly sorry to hear that.”

“Don't be,” he replied, getting back to his feet and walking towards the door. Hand on the doorknob, he looked back at the Headmaster. “It's just one of the many things I'm shattering to pave the way to your plans.”

He opened the door and left.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> if you liked it, please consider giving kudos and/or a comment telling me what you thought of it. <3


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